before the new year

Isn't it weird that you think you have life figured out and then you feel like you are back to the beginning? It's like the second before my life comes together it all fall back apart. I wouldn't say that my life is falling apart but I can't figure out my life at this point. I have all of these conflicting things going on in my life. It's like my life is taking control of me instead of me taking control of my life. I am turning 23 in a month. I am not where I thought I would be when I turned 23. When I was little I use to say i would wait until I was 21 to get married. In mormon years that was old. When I was 16 I was set on going to law school. I wanted to travel abroad by the time I graduated college. I was going to move out of the state of Utah the DAY I graduated college. I was going to.....do so many things. I am starting to feel like I don't even want to make plans anymore, because nothing ever works out. I take the appropriate steps and precautions to make sure things happen the way they are suppose to. But nothing ever works out how i thought it would. So now I don't know where I should go from here. It's funny how everyone else in my life seems to know the direction I should take except for myself. When did making decisions in life get so complicated? Why can't I just go back to being 10 and start life all over again. Oh all of the things I would have changed. It's funny how people say live your life with no regrets. But who can live their life with no regrets when there are so many things in my life I wish I had never done, things that would have changed the direction I let my life take me. So how do I take back some control? And how do I decide where I want to go? After two years, I'm still single. After four years of college I work in retail. After four and a half years in utah, I'm still here. Ineed to figure out what I want in life. And I feel like I have one month to get it together before I start another year not knowing what I want....

It's a bittersweet symphony

Life is a funny thing. You are born. You live. You die. But think about all of the things that happen in between. The happy moments. The pain. The tears that can make you or break you. The people that step in your pathway, some who choose to hold your hand along the journey or walk away. So many decisions. So many choices. So many things happen in life that change your direction, the path that you set for yourself. But that's why life is a funny thing. Nothing ever goes as planned. You can't make everyone happy. People come and go in life. People walk in and out of your life, sometimes without your permission. Uncontrollable conditions are weathered through the storms, sometimes without an unbrella and raincoat. Sometimes the compass points north. But what if all of the things happened in life and you could have changed them? How do you know when to fight for what you think is right or learn to let go? How do you know that the other person isn't the one making the mistake of walking away? How do you know that you are suppose to go right when in reality you are suppose to go left? How do we know when we should step outside with an umbrella that day or be prepared for the ray or sunshine over our heads? We don't. There is no way of really knowing. Sometimes you make the right mistakes. Sometimes you make the wrong decisions. And what could have been so beautiful and could have been so right becomes something bittersweet. Cause here is the thing about life. It comes with the good and the bad. Hey thats life. But at the end of the day you write your own story, your own lyrics. And whoever chooses to listen to it will be lucky cause it will be a beautiful, bittersweet symphony.......that's life.

Either way I'm screwed....

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Isn't it funny in life that people who are closest to you could be pulling you in so many different directions? Some people support only half of your decisions while the other half of those decisions are not being supported. What happend to supporting the person in all things? Lately I have been having a really hard time with this. It's like the old saying "can't have your cake and eat it too." Who decided what this so called "cake of life" aka life decisions was and why can't this be the decision of the individual? I mean we all need some chocolate sometimes right? Why is it then that others are so quick to judge, so quick to point the finger, and so quick to throw the first stone? Why can't people understand that others are going to pursue their own path, their own dreams, make their own choices, and live their own life? We are not all perfect. This is not a perfect world. I am not a perfect person. Why must I be this cookie cutter girl? Why is it that if I do one thing that is not in alignment with my belief system that I'm faking it? What am I faking? Can I not be myself and choose to be my own person? Why must we all be the same? I'm tired of living where people are so judgemental about my actions. I'm tired of having people close to me trying to pursuade me to be one person when all I want to be is myself. I am me. This is me. I am who I choose to be. I just want others to be ok with me. But I can not please anyone. I can not help people understand my perspective. I can not be accepted for the choices I make other than from myself so either way I'm screwed. But at least I love myself and that's enough for me.

Remember me in the sunshine, not the rain

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But i know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that i love you so
I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, oooo, oh
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, yeah
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone...

Song by Kelly Clarkson called "Already Gone." I saw Jake #1 the other day. Judgement is well needed. So go ahead and judge. I judge myself. We sat and talked. I cried. We laughed. I cried inside. I had this strong desire to have everything back like it used to be. I wanted him to hold my hand when we crossed the street. I wanted to kiss him on the cheek and lean up against him as we waited in line. I wanted to drink his drink and put my feet under him cause they were cold. I wanted to do all the stupid little things that I used to do that I couldn't do with anyone else. We shared little moments like we used to. We laughed in the car. We shoved brownies in each other's faces. We told funny stories (our version of funny stories). I popped his gross zit and told him how he needed to pluck his eye brows (romance at it's finest really). We joked about the old man who was judging us as we walked out of the bakery. But those are all of the sunshine moments that I can't get back because he is too scared to let me have them. And for everyone who knows our past it might not be the best idea to weather that storm again. But the storm passed and there will never be sunshine after the rain. Only the looming clouds and the rumble of the thunder to remind us of all of the tears that fell. But I still want that sunshine, the best happiness that I ever knew in my life. But I can't have it, at least not with him. "We were always meant to say good bye. We were never meant to do or die." So I'm walking away and saying good bye. I'm pulling off my rain boots and off to open up to the possibility of someone who makes the sunshine worth the storm. And as far as jake is concerned, he was worth the storm. But I want to remember us in the sunshine, not the rain.

Chivalry is dead

When I think about Utah dating there is only one thing that comes to mind....a bunch of mormon douche bags who only want two things.....marriage or a hook up. Really?! And do you think I want either right now? No. What are we? 19 when hooking up was exciting and everyone convinced you that marriage was a good idea? Thats right. Then you hit 22 and you realize hooking up just makes you feel used and marriage is by far the worst idea possible at the moment. But would it kill a guy to take me out on a date? Really I'm not even that hard to please. I'm not like these snotty Utah girls who make you work for everything you got (although maybe I should convert to the dark side and become one) but why do I not feel like I'm good enough for a guy to take me on a date? I have this sorority sister and I love her to death. She is beautiful and....a typical Utah girl. She has zero personality, nothing intellegent to say, and it totally wrapped up in herself. And guys fall all over her! She gets asked out on SO many dates. It like do I have to loose 50 pounds and not have a brain for a guy to decide I'm worth the effort? At this point I'm just becoming over it. I am so far beyond over the idea that guys want to date me. I'm SO over hearing "oh I'm so in love with you but taking you out on a date and making time is just asking too much." Or my favorite these days is "I dont want it to get confusing right now." But better than that is "Don't hook up with anyone else but me and Ill do the same. But oh wait. Make sure you dont find out I'm on a dating website." Like to guys think I'm stupid? Do they think I believe the lies when they say the conviently left their phone at work? Do they think I actually believe them when they say they want to take things slow but can't even find time to make an effort. Guess what this spells out guys? It says, "Hi I think you are hot enough to make out with but not important enough to take out. You are the girl of convience until I find someone hotter and better than you." Sweet. Grand. I would rather be single for the rest of my life (Which lets be honest. I'm against marriage right now so that's exactly where I'm headed) than be stuck with all of these moron ass holes who are the biggest waste of my life. I'm over it. Really. Over it. Screw dating. Screw relationships. Screw love. Over it.

It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it. ~Albert Einstein

The other day I knew three people who had people who passed away. And I had this thought. Even though they have died, the world carries on. Cars will still driving down the street. People still went to work. The sun still set. The world carried on without them. So what if I died today? Who would stop and give me a second thought? Who would call into work sick, symptoms of severe pain and a broken heart? Would those I care most about care about me? Would the people I hurt learn to forgive, knowing I never meant to hurt intentionally? Would there be words that would go unsaid to others, others to myself? Would it rain that day, an easy way to disguise the tears of those who cry? Would it be a day unlike any other, one that would be marked in history and easy to forget.....like Christmas or something. Then it got me also thinking, yet another self evaluation that I didn't even see coming. I could die tomorrow or I could live til I'm 90. Hopefully I can sense when this will occur, but death could happen at any moment. I mean I already look like death some days after countless hours of sleep lost. Death is already calling to me. Ha ha! But seriously, I could go at any moment. Someone once posed the question, "If I died, what would I be most afraid about my parents discovering?" I'm not really sure I know the answer.....More importantly, am I leaving the kind of legacy behind that when I look down from heaven (or up from hell...ha ha) is it a life that was worth living? Recently I have been focused more on the things that don't truly matter in the long run, things that can't be changed or molded, worrying over the small things in life, stressing without knowing the details. Good thing God gave me tomorrow to change....

REALITY CHECK

There comes a time in everyone's life where you get a reality check. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. You look in the mirror and you say to yourself, self you look like death. And it's not even on the outside per say but the mirror reflects the inside as well. TERRIBLE.

That was my morning. I woke up this morning, made a phone call, and after that call realized it was gonna be one of those days. Naturally I became scared to even go into the bathroom, cause without fail I would be looking back at myself, a reflection that I didn't know I would want to see. So I eventually went into the bathroom and gave myself a nice run down, the reality check. And what was staring back I can't even quite tell you. The interesting thing about self evaluation is the thought "how did I let myself get this far?" I mean I think of ther person I am, who I once was, and who I want to become. And nothing matches up, not in a good way. I am an average girl with average looks, average thoughts, and an average life which at points is quite exciting I will agree. But over all, average. And who wants to be average? Yes I hit that point. And those of you who know me best know what that means. It is time to once again reinvent myself in a sense and go back to being the girl I want to become. Yeah it seems a little boring to me at the moment compared to the life I am leading now, but lets be honest here. The life I am leading now is hectic, unexpected, unpredictable, DANGEROUS. Oh yes. This is so unlike me. I like plans, structure, balance. How did I let myself get so out of control? Lack of control. So it's time to slap myself in the face and pull it together. Maybe then I can look in the mirror and recognize the girl staring back at me, not this beautiful disaster I saw this morning.....

Marley & Me and the realizations to follow

Ok, first I will start with a short side note that says after reading my last entry I sound like a competely shallow girl. I'm not. I got over the height issue long enough to give divorced guy a chance. And he is wonderful. And I am taking it slow with him. It's been quite a small roller coaster already, considering I am still stuck on not letting my guard down. With him it's not that infatuation, the need to be talking to them every second of the day, the day dreams. He is reality. He is realistic. He is comforting, almost the feeling of coming home. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he gives me the cute little butterflies when he makes fun of me which happens quite often, and we just work. There is that comfortable silence laying there next to him that just seems to work. And he might be around for a while, mr. jake..... (#3....ha ha)

Ok so that side note was not so short.....ha ha. So for the realizations that Marley & Me made me have. For all of those who have seen this movie, I was guaranteed a good cry. At least that is what everyone said. So I rented Hauting of Conneticut (which I watched all alone at work IN THE DARK. Jake said I was retarted....ha ha.) and Marley & Me which would have been the comical reflief to follow. I started watching this movie and my first thoughts were "it's my brother's psycho dog on tv!" Love you Chris and Linds, but Roxy is INSANE. Yes I said it. INSANE. As the movie progress and they had their second child and jennifer aniston is having a freak out moment, well moments, I got nervous. I got nervous to have kids. To have a psycho dog. To have the kind of life I'm suppose to be working toward. As the show progressed I had the thought that my future kids can live without a dog. I can think about becoming a cat person. Ha ha RIGHT! And at the end of the movie (AND IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, STOP READING....oh wait. SUCH a predictable movie) I had still not cried like everyone had promised. The dog died. Everyone is being centimental. And then they go to burry the dog. And the little boy got me. And i cried. Good thing cause I was getting nervous that I had turned into a heartless person. All of the years of pain had turned me heartless. But good news. I STILL HAVE FEELINGS! Good thing too cause it made me realize that I care. And even after all of these terrible things in the movie happend, it makes you want that life. It makes me want three kids, with the loving and hard working husband, with the FABULOUS house in the country just outside the city. And of course that is just terrifying. And naturally that is what I'm suppose to want. So now it's just an exciting, scary thing that will happen to me one day. And who knows when it will happen. But I've got to say that I don't think I'm dreading it anymore....

Dear God....

Ok, so you know those times when you are having a "crossroads" moment? No not the brittany spears movie. The moment where you are about to make really big decisions in your life. And you feel like you are walking around every five minutes thinking about it, praying God will just drop a nice note in your face that says, "hey chick. pull it together. this is what you should do." Good thing God just likes me to figure out my own life. I bet he is secretly enjoying watching me get all worked up over these ridiculously important decisions, that in the end probably aren't very important. My first decision involves my place of residence. I need to move to Salt Lake. It's not even becoming an option any more. Logan is just becoming this black hole that I'm slowly sinking into. You all know what I'm talking about. Logan sucks you in and you get screwed that way. I will not be one of those girls who gets sucked into Logan. Although I would still have Emily. So not all would be lost. But what are the chances of me finding a job that I love in the end, fulfilling my goals, chasing my dreams? Slim to none. Actually we are just going to go with none. Lets be honest here. So the solution is to get out of Logan. Move to Salt Lake. After GREAT deal of thought and contemplation I am going to cosmetology school. YAY!! Putting in Miken's extentions and the nail girl telling me I would be perfect for the job sealed the deal and convinced me that I need to go. So Paul Mitchell here I come. But this leads me to my next problem. I can't find a job that pays me well enough to move to Salt Lake. And I have even thought of applying to BumbleBee in NM. Good thing I have a lease on a car now though that SLIGHTLY causes problems for me if I were to move to NM. SO stuck in UT for the next three years. And I have seriously thought about moving to Provo. In fact that was the plan all along to go to school. But lets not foul ourselves here. I am not a Provo kinda girl. Salt Lake fits me so much better. Ok, now that we have not figured out that problem in the least, the next problem becomes guys. Don't act surprised. Guys seem to always be my problem in life. I might as well hand out a business card that says "if you are divorced, have illegitimate children, have a psycho family, want to say I love you in the first week, enjoy using girls, or are emotionally unavailable call me." Good thing the guy who wants to "see where things go and work toward a relationship" is 8 months divorced and on the shorter side. And the guy that I can't stop thinking about is the loser I wrote about previously, the one I'm too good for but still deserve. So my contemplation becomes give the short, divorced, life insurance broker a chance or stay single until the emotionally unavailable, tall, funny, sociology student decides to stop being stupid. And I'm sure after reading this you are thinking to yourself, THE ANSWERS HERE ARE OBVIOUS!!! So if someone has figured out my life for me, do share. Cause at this point I'm needing some help here....don't act surprised.

trucker hats become appropriate for sushi

When you work around 60ish hours a week, your looks start to go a little. I try to maintain my looks by dying my hair, washing my car, keeping my nails done, staying tan, all that jazz. But sometimes you gotta just let it slide. So after spinning and core class decided to KILL ME I went to sushi with Mal. Thank goodness for Mal. I just love her. When I showed up she was in a hat as well. We looked like a hot mess. But a good hot mess. Good thing we live in Logan and it didn't matter that we were out for sushi in hats. So sitting here at a grand 4:45 in the morning still in my "I want to be a truck driver" hat looking hotter than ever I had a couple of thoughts. My first thought is I still want to make a shirt that says "I have a good personality to make up for my looks" OR "I promise I look pretty underneath all of this mess." That would be so appropriate for look I have going on right now. My second thought is it is days like these that I don't mind living in Logan where it is acceptable to go out in public looking like this and no one really says anything. Cept maybe that's why I never get asked out in Logan but I do in Salt Lake. My next thought is Death is very becoming of me. At least I don't look too deathly. And my last thought is I'm SO glad for Mallory and the amazing friend that she is. She might not know this but she is becoming my best friend these days. We are basically like the same person. She is so caring and so good at listening. And just such an amazing person. And the person that I know appreciated my trucker hat at sushi. So thanks Mal. I love you! AOT

I want a love like Johnny and June....

....But maybe not for now. I listened to a guest speaker at work today. Her words inspired me. She talked about the pressures of everyone else and the thought that you must be married at a ceratin age in Utah. And with six of my sorority sisters (yes six, almost seven. may as well be half the chapter) engaged, for like five seconds (ok, more like 2 minutes) I felt "the marriage pressure." Then today in the car my aunt tells me that at her age she was married with her second child. My grandma chimes in and says she was married and pregnant with her third. And my mom at my age married with my older brother and me. And there comes the pressure again, the marriage pressure. You all know what I'm talking about. But anyway, back to the guest speaker. She said she had this thought. She didn't want to be "normal." She didn't want to be like everyone else. What if they are the boring, weird ones? So for now, I don't want to be the majority. I want to be me with my life. I got a new car. I have two decent jobs. I have two amazing sisters who will go on crazy adventures with me to deliver water to a boy who doesn't deserve my good intentions. And I'm finally over Jake. Like really over jake. But I still have a little bit of a broken heart (not from jake. the dumb boy who doesn't appreciate water deliveries like he should). Ok, but here is the whole thing about wanting the love like Johnny and June. I want it, but I tell myself I don't. Cause with this new guy it could have totally been that. And here is the thing. He doesn't deserve me. But I deserve him. But that doesn't change the fact that he fed me the "lets start out as friends cause I can't handle a mature relationship like ours right now" line. Oh yeah. So the heart, a little broken. And I'm the one facing it, the only person who will and can pick up the pieces to fix it. So for now, no love. Just a lot of band aides.

The things you realize after watching BRIDE WARS

1. I miss my fab four. Thank goodness for Mal. I don't know what I would do without her.
2. I'm so glad I didn't marry Jake.
3. Love sucks and I'm lucky Idon't have to deal with it.
4. You don't alter Vera. You alter yourself to fit Vera.
5. Pretty sure I'm never gonna eat again, minus the beverages I'll be sipping on to stay awake.
6. I secretly still wish I could walk down the aisle with my daddy.
7. I want to make a mistake and marry someone who is smarter than I am.

Immodest dresses....hell or no hell. That is the question

THINGS LEARNED AT CHURCH
SO sitting in church today, I had a couple of thoughts. Some of these thoughts are new. Some of these thoughts I have every single time I go to church. The first thought was “why can’t there ever be any hot guys at church? I mean I know I’m going to feel the spirit, but why can’t there be a little distraction every once in a while to keep me awake when the speaker starts to get boring?” My next thought (which was new) is “why do mormon girls enjoy staring?” Ok, so I wore this DARLING dress today at church. And yes it was SLIGHTLY short, but I wore leggings. And yes the sleeves were pushing sleeveless, but whatever. I looked bomb and I loved it so I wore it. Does that really give permission for two girls to continue to look at me out of the corner of their eye, while trying to make it SO unobvious? This of course it is obvious, considering they have to slightly turn around to glare at you. I wanted to just tell her “yes, I am the devil in disguise. Who knew the devil was so bangin?!” But of course I didn’t find that appropriate at the moment. Maybe at a later date. Of course the sad thing is that this just opens me up to want to continue to wearing SLIGHTLY immodest outfits only to see how much longer she will continue to make herself obvious without saying anything. Ok my next thought was “why is there an engaged couple talking practically every Sunday?” Is this some way for the bishop to secretly encourage people not to get married? HI if you get engaged, you are talking the Sunday before you get married as if you don’t already have enough to be stressed about. And do you ever notice that one of the couples gives a decent talk and the other one just SUCKS? I mean I guess you want to find someone who is spiritually more uplifting than you, but really? Some people just blow my mind. My next thought just kills me. “Why is it that without fail you hear about someone’s mission?” Ok, ok. So I have never served a mission obviously. And I’m sure it is a fantastic life experience. But come on now. Are we really running out of exciting stories and thoughts that we have to pull from life experiences that for these guys happened almost a decade ago? Yes they are that old. But it’s like “do you think that impresses me?” Yes it’s great that they served a mission, but really? Then the next thought that I have is that I am beyond inappropriate at church, well not just in church but really in public settings these days. I laugh at EVERYTHING and SOMETIMES at people’s own expenses. It’s just terrible, but HILARIOUS at the same time. I just kill myself. Church has in a sense become my source for good entertainment, aside from my job. I don’t understand why everyone chooses to be so emotional sometimes. Like in relief society, why does everyone feel the need to cry? What happened to delivering a message with the spirit? On a side note of relief society, I wish guys could teach the lesson. Of course that kind of defeats the purpose of sisterhood and secondly I’m sure the emotional explosion would drive them just as crazy as it does for me. As if I don’t get enough emotions during the week, I am practically forced to bond with these women for an hour listening to them spill out their life stories which most of the time BARELY relate to the lesson. It’s like free therapy and the poor teacher just has to listen and nod. It’s like at the end I almost want her to say “And how does that make you feel?” This is obviously why I will never be called as a teacher. I am just beyond inappropriate. But doesn't that make church that much more fun?!

10 things you learn while on night watch

1. Popcorn doesn’t always have to be burned. It is an art that can be mastered.
2. Your pee smells really weird after downing energy drinks to stay awake.
3. Cenepeeds shrivel up on die on first contact with your foot.
4. Never pee in a motion-censored bathroom alone. It gets quite exciting.
5. Every kind of food starts looking good on tv around 4 am.
6. You are always being watched. This includes when you are walking to the cafeteria for a break, while dancing/model walking to the beat of a ring back tone.
7. BLDs are easily made, including leaving the most RIDICULOUS voice mail of your life and sending texts that you regret 2 minutes later. Even how tired and loopy you are, nothing can make up for that.
8. 24 is just that much more intense at 3 am.
9. Really random thoughts start coming to you. Ex: I wonder how many glasses of water I have drank in my lifetime.
10. The greatest invention was sweats, a sweat shirt, and flip flops. I love my life.

Facing yourself

"There comes a moment when all of us have to face ourselves, when the value of who we are is invested in who we are not."

Looking in the mirror every morning I do the quick check: no break outs, do the eye brows need plucking, did I get all of the eye lash glue off from last night? (Yes eye lash glue. Judge away.) But what happens when looking in the mirror becomes so much more? Sometimes looking in the mirror can be the hardest or the most rewarding thing we can do for ourselves. This allows us to face ourselves, face the challenges of our lives, see ourselves for what we are without fooling ourselves. There are no lies delivered when looking in the mirror, unless of course you are at the fair in the fabulous distorted mirror that makes you look like you are a size two. Now that's a good day! Or of course pulling a "kappa delta" as nikki calls it and wearing the IN STYLE big sunglasses. But for all of us looking in a normal mirror with good lighting of course, there is no escaping ourselves. The flaws are shown. Our imperfections are staring us right back. So what are we to do with ourselves? Look in the mirror and accept it. Change it if needs be. Be honest and find ways to improve the person in the mirror, but more importantly learn to love that person. Love youself for all of the little imperfections that make you who you are. Learn to accept all of your past mistakes that are hiding behind those BOMB blue eyes. Learn to believe the smile that is hiding back all of the tears and sadness. Get real. And when the real you is looking back it can be the scariest sight you have seen in a while. But it is real. It is true. Accept it. Embrace it. Love it. Because at the end of the day, the person staring back in the mirror should be the most honest thing you see all day. And the one thing you have to depend on.

TV IS SO INSPIRATIONAL

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. And I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris." Sex and the City

So my love life or the lack of could really be a tv show. You think sex and the city is exciting? Try the day in the life of Lauren. Now that is exciting. Why is love such a wonderful thing yet the worst thing possible in the end? Why must it be so great one minute and the biggest mistake you have made in a while, of course that was before last night. Here I am, alone (well besideds bitter betty aka me and debbie downer aka the best, ruthie), waiting for a guy to decide if he wants to be with me or with his ex girlfriend. And really what is there to think about? I mean it's me. Come on now. And he was "perfect" and I was "perfect," which of course I am. Ha ha. No but here is this thing. I would like for once to be the girl that gets chosen. Why do these sneaky ex's come back into the picture, leaving me screwed? Why is it that the one time I decide to let my guard down it never works out. And everyone feels bad for me. I am once again the sad girl that everyone feels bad for cause I am not good enough. But here is the thing. I am good enough. And he is good enough. And now I am sitting around waiting for him to decide. And of course all of you are thinking that I shouldn't wait. Who am I kidding? But in his SMALL defense he just can't decide between the ex (who by the way is a Jazz cheerleader. How am I supposed to compete with that?!) who is just like his Jake. I mean lets be honest if Jake got his shit together and would have come back there would be a SMALL contimplation. Yet this guy is so different. There wouldn't even be any contimplation. When I finally made up my mind at 6 AM in the morning just the other day to just jump in with both feet, I had this terrible excited feeling. And I told myself to not be stupid and to just do it. Cause he said let it be good. BULL SHIT!!! I have such mixed emotions about this and am just more emotional than I really should be. So I'm sure this makes no sense. I can't even really make any sense in my own mind. All i know is this. Life is not this perfect fairytale that we all make it out to be. We all wish that one day we will wake up and meet the man of our dreams that will sweep us off of our feet. But that just isn't reality. "You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true." GREY'S ANATOMY So do I hold on to this fairytale? Do I allow myself to hold on hoping to get swept up in the moment? Do I push back? Or do I fight? And the way I see it he has two choices. "Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek (but ryan) , I love you (am ALMOST borderline in love with you), in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me." GREY'S ANATOMY

It's 5 o'clock somewhere

And that somewhere is here in Logan, Utah in the freezing basement of avalon hills. It is five in the morning and I for some crazy reason thought it would be a good idea to work swing shift last minute. So here I am bored out of my mind when it dawns on me.....create a blog. I have always had this strong dislike for the whole idea of blogging. Then I thought to myself I have another hour to kill and my life is HILARIOUS. If my life were a tv show I would watch it. SO why not read about it? SO I have succumb to blogging....everyone get excited. Today I realized that I don't like to care. Caring leads you to worry, which leads to concern which can lead to his uneasy settling that won't go away. It is true. I have allowed myself to care again. For a good year I only cared about one person, shutting every other guy out. Once I realized the ridiculousness of caring for that guy, I said screw it. Why care? So I stopped caring. And now I have allowed myself to care again. I have opened up my heart, yet almost without my permission. Why does your heart not listen to your head? I felt I had this mastered until just today I realized that I am completely screwed. I have allowed my heart to take over. And although this idea of falling back in love is amazing, it is scary. "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds." So now I am contimplating my situation. Do I allow myself to jump in? He says yes. Just let it happen. My heart says yes, but my head says no. Which will win?