Either way I'm screwed....

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." -Eleanor Roosevelt

Isn't it funny in life that people who are closest to you could be pulling you in so many different directions? Some people support only half of your decisions while the other half of those decisions are not being supported. What happend to supporting the person in all things? Lately I have been having a really hard time with this. It's like the old saying "can't have your cake and eat it too." Who decided what this so called "cake of life" aka life decisions was and why can't this be the decision of the individual? I mean we all need some chocolate sometimes right? Why is it then that others are so quick to judge, so quick to point the finger, and so quick to throw the first stone? Why can't people understand that others are going to pursue their own path, their own dreams, make their own choices, and live their own life? We are not all perfect. This is not a perfect world. I am not a perfect person. Why must I be this cookie cutter girl? Why is it that if I do one thing that is not in alignment with my belief system that I'm faking it? What am I faking? Can I not be myself and choose to be my own person? Why must we all be the same? I'm tired of living where people are so judgemental about my actions. I'm tired of having people close to me trying to pursuade me to be one person when all I want to be is myself. I am me. This is me. I am who I choose to be. I just want others to be ok with me. But I can not please anyone. I can not help people understand my perspective. I can not be accepted for the choices I make other than from myself so either way I'm screwed. But at least I love myself and that's enough for me.

Remember me in the sunshine, not the rain

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But i know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that i love you so
I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, oooo, oh
Already gone
Already gone
Already gone, yeah
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And i want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But i want you to move on
So i'm already gone
I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So i'm already gone...

Song by Kelly Clarkson called "Already Gone." I saw Jake #1 the other day. Judgement is well needed. So go ahead and judge. I judge myself. We sat and talked. I cried. We laughed. I cried inside. I had this strong desire to have everything back like it used to be. I wanted him to hold my hand when we crossed the street. I wanted to kiss him on the cheek and lean up against him as we waited in line. I wanted to drink his drink and put my feet under him cause they were cold. I wanted to do all the stupid little things that I used to do that I couldn't do with anyone else. We shared little moments like we used to. We laughed in the car. We shoved brownies in each other's faces. We told funny stories (our version of funny stories). I popped his gross zit and told him how he needed to pluck his eye brows (romance at it's finest really). We joked about the old man who was judging us as we walked out of the bakery. But those are all of the sunshine moments that I can't get back because he is too scared to let me have them. And for everyone who knows our past it might not be the best idea to weather that storm again. But the storm passed and there will never be sunshine after the rain. Only the looming clouds and the rumble of the thunder to remind us of all of the tears that fell. But I still want that sunshine, the best happiness that I ever knew in my life. But I can't have it, at least not with him. "We were always meant to say good bye. We were never meant to do or die." So I'm walking away and saying good bye. I'm pulling off my rain boots and off to open up to the possibility of someone who makes the sunshine worth the storm. And as far as jake is concerned, he was worth the storm. But I want to remember us in the sunshine, not the rain.