It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it. ~Albert Einstein

The other day I knew three people who had people who passed away. And I had this thought. Even though they have died, the world carries on. Cars will still driving down the street. People still went to work. The sun still set. The world carried on without them. So what if I died today? Who would stop and give me a second thought? Who would call into work sick, symptoms of severe pain and a broken heart? Would those I care most about care about me? Would the people I hurt learn to forgive, knowing I never meant to hurt intentionally? Would there be words that would go unsaid to others, others to myself? Would it rain that day, an easy way to disguise the tears of those who cry? Would it be a day unlike any other, one that would be marked in history and easy to forget.....like Christmas or something. Then it got me also thinking, yet another self evaluation that I didn't even see coming. I could die tomorrow or I could live til I'm 90. Hopefully I can sense when this will occur, but death could happen at any moment. I mean I already look like death some days after countless hours of sleep lost. Death is already calling to me. Ha ha! But seriously, I could go at any moment. Someone once posed the question, "If I died, what would I be most afraid about my parents discovering?" I'm not really sure I know the answer.....More importantly, am I leaving the kind of legacy behind that when I look down from heaven (or up from hell...ha ha) is it a life that was worth living? Recently I have been focused more on the things that don't truly matter in the long run, things that can't be changed or molded, worrying over the small things in life, stressing without knowing the details. Good thing God gave me tomorrow to change....

REALITY CHECK

There comes a time in everyone's life where you get a reality check. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. You look in the mirror and you say to yourself, self you look like death. And it's not even on the outside per say but the mirror reflects the inside as well. TERRIBLE.

That was my morning. I woke up this morning, made a phone call, and after that call realized it was gonna be one of those days. Naturally I became scared to even go into the bathroom, cause without fail I would be looking back at myself, a reflection that I didn't know I would want to see. So I eventually went into the bathroom and gave myself a nice run down, the reality check. And what was staring back I can't even quite tell you. The interesting thing about self evaluation is the thought "how did I let myself get this far?" I mean I think of ther person I am, who I once was, and who I want to become. And nothing matches up, not in a good way. I am an average girl with average looks, average thoughts, and an average life which at points is quite exciting I will agree. But over all, average. And who wants to be average? Yes I hit that point. And those of you who know me best know what that means. It is time to once again reinvent myself in a sense and go back to being the girl I want to become. Yeah it seems a little boring to me at the moment compared to the life I am leading now, but lets be honest here. The life I am leading now is hectic, unexpected, unpredictable, DANGEROUS. Oh yes. This is so unlike me. I like plans, structure, balance. How did I let myself get so out of control? Lack of control. So it's time to slap myself in the face and pull it together. Maybe then I can look in the mirror and recognize the girl staring back at me, not this beautiful disaster I saw this morning.....