Chivalry is dead

When I think about Utah dating there is only one thing that comes to mind....a bunch of mormon douche bags who only want two things.....marriage or a hook up. Really?! And do you think I want either right now? No. What are we? 19 when hooking up was exciting and everyone convinced you that marriage was a good idea? Thats right. Then you hit 22 and you realize hooking up just makes you feel used and marriage is by far the worst idea possible at the moment. But would it kill a guy to take me out on a date? Really I'm not even that hard to please. I'm not like these snotty Utah girls who make you work for everything you got (although maybe I should convert to the dark side and become one) but why do I not feel like I'm good enough for a guy to take me on a date? I have this sorority sister and I love her to death. She is beautiful and....a typical Utah girl. She has zero personality, nothing intellegent to say, and it totally wrapped up in herself. And guys fall all over her! She gets asked out on SO many dates. It like do I have to loose 50 pounds and not have a brain for a guy to decide I'm worth the effort? At this point I'm just becoming over it. I am so far beyond over the idea that guys want to date me. I'm SO over hearing "oh I'm so in love with you but taking you out on a date and making time is just asking too much." Or my favorite these days is "I dont want it to get confusing right now." But better than that is "Don't hook up with anyone else but me and Ill do the same. But oh wait. Make sure you dont find out I'm on a dating website." Like to guys think I'm stupid? Do they think I believe the lies when they say the conviently left their phone at work? Do they think I actually believe them when they say they want to take things slow but can't even find time to make an effort. Guess what this spells out guys? It says, "Hi I think you are hot enough to make out with but not important enough to take out. You are the girl of convience until I find someone hotter and better than you." Sweet. Grand. I would rather be single for the rest of my life (Which lets be honest. I'm against marriage right now so that's exactly where I'm headed) than be stuck with all of these moron ass holes who are the biggest waste of my life. I'm over it. Really. Over it. Screw dating. Screw relationships. Screw love. Over it.

It is every man's obligation to put back into the world at least the equivalent of what he takes out of it. ~Albert Einstein

The other day I knew three people who had people who passed away. And I had this thought. Even though they have died, the world carries on. Cars will still driving down the street. People still went to work. The sun still set. The world carried on without them. So what if I died today? Who would stop and give me a second thought? Who would call into work sick, symptoms of severe pain and a broken heart? Would those I care most about care about me? Would the people I hurt learn to forgive, knowing I never meant to hurt intentionally? Would there be words that would go unsaid to others, others to myself? Would it rain that day, an easy way to disguise the tears of those who cry? Would it be a day unlike any other, one that would be marked in history and easy to forget.....like Christmas or something. Then it got me also thinking, yet another self evaluation that I didn't even see coming. I could die tomorrow or I could live til I'm 90. Hopefully I can sense when this will occur, but death could happen at any moment. I mean I already look like death some days after countless hours of sleep lost. Death is already calling to me. Ha ha! But seriously, I could go at any moment. Someone once posed the question, "If I died, what would I be most afraid about my parents discovering?" I'm not really sure I know the answer.....More importantly, am I leaving the kind of legacy behind that when I look down from heaven (or up from hell...ha ha) is it a life that was worth living? Recently I have been focused more on the things that don't truly matter in the long run, things that can't be changed or molded, worrying over the small things in life, stressing without knowing the details. Good thing God gave me tomorrow to change....

REALITY CHECK

There comes a time in everyone's life where you get a reality check. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. You look in the mirror and you say to yourself, self you look like death. And it's not even on the outside per say but the mirror reflects the inside as well. TERRIBLE.

That was my morning. I woke up this morning, made a phone call, and after that call realized it was gonna be one of those days. Naturally I became scared to even go into the bathroom, cause without fail I would be looking back at myself, a reflection that I didn't know I would want to see. So I eventually went into the bathroom and gave myself a nice run down, the reality check. And what was staring back I can't even quite tell you. The interesting thing about self evaluation is the thought "how did I let myself get this far?" I mean I think of ther person I am, who I once was, and who I want to become. And nothing matches up, not in a good way. I am an average girl with average looks, average thoughts, and an average life which at points is quite exciting I will agree. But over all, average. And who wants to be average? Yes I hit that point. And those of you who know me best know what that means. It is time to once again reinvent myself in a sense and go back to being the girl I want to become. Yeah it seems a little boring to me at the moment compared to the life I am leading now, but lets be honest here. The life I am leading now is hectic, unexpected, unpredictable, DANGEROUS. Oh yes. This is so unlike me. I like plans, structure, balance. How did I let myself get so out of control? Lack of control. So it's time to slap myself in the face and pull it together. Maybe then I can look in the mirror and recognize the girl staring back at me, not this beautiful disaster I saw this morning.....

Marley & Me and the realizations to follow

Ok, first I will start with a short side note that says after reading my last entry I sound like a competely shallow girl. I'm not. I got over the height issue long enough to give divorced guy a chance. And he is wonderful. And I am taking it slow with him. It's been quite a small roller coaster already, considering I am still stuck on not letting my guard down. With him it's not that infatuation, the need to be talking to them every second of the day, the day dreams. He is reality. He is realistic. He is comforting, almost the feeling of coming home. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he gives me the cute little butterflies when he makes fun of me which happens quite often, and we just work. There is that comfortable silence laying there next to him that just seems to work. And he might be around for a while, mr. jake..... (#3....ha ha)

Ok so that side note was not so short.....ha ha. So for the realizations that Marley & Me made me have. For all of those who have seen this movie, I was guaranteed a good cry. At least that is what everyone said. So I rented Hauting of Conneticut (which I watched all alone at work IN THE DARK. Jake said I was retarted....ha ha.) and Marley & Me which would have been the comical reflief to follow. I started watching this movie and my first thoughts were "it's my brother's psycho dog on tv!" Love you Chris and Linds, but Roxy is INSANE. Yes I said it. INSANE. As the movie progress and they had their second child and jennifer aniston is having a freak out moment, well moments, I got nervous. I got nervous to have kids. To have a psycho dog. To have the kind of life I'm suppose to be working toward. As the show progressed I had the thought that my future kids can live without a dog. I can think about becoming a cat person. Ha ha RIGHT! And at the end of the movie (AND IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, STOP READING....oh wait. SUCH a predictable movie) I had still not cried like everyone had promised. The dog died. Everyone is being centimental. And then they go to burry the dog. And the little boy got me. And i cried. Good thing cause I was getting nervous that I had turned into a heartless person. All of the years of pain had turned me heartless. But good news. I STILL HAVE FEELINGS! Good thing too cause it made me realize that I care. And even after all of these terrible things in the movie happend, it makes you want that life. It makes me want three kids, with the loving and hard working husband, with the FABULOUS house in the country just outside the city. And of course that is just terrifying. And naturally that is what I'm suppose to want. So now it's just an exciting, scary thing that will happen to me one day. And who knows when it will happen. But I've got to say that I don't think I'm dreading it anymore....

Dear God....

Ok, so you know those times when you are having a "crossroads" moment? No not the brittany spears movie. The moment where you are about to make really big decisions in your life. And you feel like you are walking around every five minutes thinking about it, praying God will just drop a nice note in your face that says, "hey chick. pull it together. this is what you should do." Good thing God just likes me to figure out my own life. I bet he is secretly enjoying watching me get all worked up over these ridiculously important decisions, that in the end probably aren't very important. My first decision involves my place of residence. I need to move to Salt Lake. It's not even becoming an option any more. Logan is just becoming this black hole that I'm slowly sinking into. You all know what I'm talking about. Logan sucks you in and you get screwed that way. I will not be one of those girls who gets sucked into Logan. Although I would still have Emily. So not all would be lost. But what are the chances of me finding a job that I love in the end, fulfilling my goals, chasing my dreams? Slim to none. Actually we are just going to go with none. Lets be honest here. So the solution is to get out of Logan. Move to Salt Lake. After GREAT deal of thought and contemplation I am going to cosmetology school. YAY!! Putting in Miken's extentions and the nail girl telling me I would be perfect for the job sealed the deal and convinced me that I need to go. So Paul Mitchell here I come. But this leads me to my next problem. I can't find a job that pays me well enough to move to Salt Lake. And I have even thought of applying to BumbleBee in NM. Good thing I have a lease on a car now though that SLIGHTLY causes problems for me if I were to move to NM. SO stuck in UT for the next three years. And I have seriously thought about moving to Provo. In fact that was the plan all along to go to school. But lets not foul ourselves here. I am not a Provo kinda girl. Salt Lake fits me so much better. Ok, now that we have not figured out that problem in the least, the next problem becomes guys. Don't act surprised. Guys seem to always be my problem in life. I might as well hand out a business card that says "if you are divorced, have illegitimate children, have a psycho family, want to say I love you in the first week, enjoy using girls, or are emotionally unavailable call me." Good thing the guy who wants to "see where things go and work toward a relationship" is 8 months divorced and on the shorter side. And the guy that I can't stop thinking about is the loser I wrote about previously, the one I'm too good for but still deserve. So my contemplation becomes give the short, divorced, life insurance broker a chance or stay single until the emotionally unavailable, tall, funny, sociology student decides to stop being stupid. And I'm sure after reading this you are thinking to yourself, THE ANSWERS HERE ARE OBVIOUS!!! So if someone has figured out my life for me, do share. Cause at this point I'm needing some help here....don't act surprised.

trucker hats become appropriate for sushi

When you work around 60ish hours a week, your looks start to go a little. I try to maintain my looks by dying my hair, washing my car, keeping my nails done, staying tan, all that jazz. But sometimes you gotta just let it slide. So after spinning and core class decided to KILL ME I went to sushi with Mal. Thank goodness for Mal. I just love her. When I showed up she was in a hat as well. We looked like a hot mess. But a good hot mess. Good thing we live in Logan and it didn't matter that we were out for sushi in hats. So sitting here at a grand 4:45 in the morning still in my "I want to be a truck driver" hat looking hotter than ever I had a couple of thoughts. My first thought is I still want to make a shirt that says "I have a good personality to make up for my looks" OR "I promise I look pretty underneath all of this mess." That would be so appropriate for look I have going on right now. My second thought is it is days like these that I don't mind living in Logan where it is acceptable to go out in public looking like this and no one really says anything. Cept maybe that's why I never get asked out in Logan but I do in Salt Lake. My next thought is Death is very becoming of me. At least I don't look too deathly. And my last thought is I'm SO glad for Mallory and the amazing friend that she is. She might not know this but she is becoming my best friend these days. We are basically like the same person. She is so caring and so good at listening. And just such an amazing person. And the person that I know appreciated my trucker hat at sushi. So thanks Mal. I love you! AOT

I want a love like Johnny and June....

....But maybe not for now. I listened to a guest speaker at work today. Her words inspired me. She talked about the pressures of everyone else and the thought that you must be married at a ceratin age in Utah. And with six of my sorority sisters (yes six, almost seven. may as well be half the chapter) engaged, for like five seconds (ok, more like 2 minutes) I felt "the marriage pressure." Then today in the car my aunt tells me that at her age she was married with her second child. My grandma chimes in and says she was married and pregnant with her third. And my mom at my age married with my older brother and me. And there comes the pressure again, the marriage pressure. You all know what I'm talking about. But anyway, back to the guest speaker. She said she had this thought. She didn't want to be "normal." She didn't want to be like everyone else. What if they are the boring, weird ones? So for now, I don't want to be the majority. I want to be me with my life. I got a new car. I have two decent jobs. I have two amazing sisters who will go on crazy adventures with me to deliver water to a boy who doesn't deserve my good intentions. And I'm finally over Jake. Like really over jake. But I still have a little bit of a broken heart (not from jake. the dumb boy who doesn't appreciate water deliveries like he should). Ok, but here is the whole thing about wanting the love like Johnny and June. I want it, but I tell myself I don't. Cause with this new guy it could have totally been that. And here is the thing. He doesn't deserve me. But I deserve him. But that doesn't change the fact that he fed me the "lets start out as friends cause I can't handle a mature relationship like ours right now" line. Oh yeah. So the heart, a little broken. And I'm the one facing it, the only person who will and can pick up the pieces to fix it. So for now, no love. Just a lot of band aides.